I had a nightmare. It ended with me waking up and thinking:
"I love Ari MORE than I love Wil."
My heart was racing, my whole body was sweating, and I felt awful.
I couldn't understand this feeling. It traumatized me. I love Wil. He's my partner in crime, my "one day husband." I love him to death. Did I mention "love?"
But the love I feel for Ari is different. I created him. He lived inside my body for nearly a year. It is a deep love that is unexplainable. Intangible. A terrifying love. A love where I couldn't handle it if anything happened to him.
A love that scares me to my core. I explained this disturbing feeling to my friend, Nora. She said:
"Welcome to Motherhood."
I'm scared. Shaken. I feel the need to protect Ari from the world with my love. But I want him to experience it too. It's a conflict.
Do you feel this way about your children?
I feel the same way. I am psycho on another level though. I always think someone wants to kidnap them. I'm insane about it.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel so much better. I was crying after I wrote this.
ReplyDeleteMost definitely. It is the primal love I liken to the mother lioness. Even though we share our children with their fathers, at some level they are OURS. We meet their every need and are tethered to them with an invisible tie that is as necessary as breathing. It is a different kind of love altogether than what we feel for our partners - not more perhaps, but incomparable. Apples and oranges, so to speak. Mother love is powerful stuff and bone deep, core deep. You feel it in every cell in your body. My seventeen year old is in the UK and I woke in the night, stirring and unsettled, crawled into her bed just to feel closer and guess what? She is sick today with a cold. How could I feel it ACROSS THE OCEAN? You are not crazy. You love your child. And you love enough to let go when you should, bravely.
ReplyDeleteOh Mary, that is deep. Thank you. Thank you. I feel a little more sane.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mary. The love you have for your child is a completely different than any other kind of love. It's the love that causes you to pause your conversation and look up before finding them on the ground with a scraped knee. It causes us to know things before we ever have it confirmed. I remember a time at the mall, Grace and daddy were at the play area. I was desperatly searching for a dress. I all but ran from the dressing room when I got a "funny feeling" I found them wandering the halls looking for me because Grace launched herself from the tallest play structure and bit her lip open.
ReplyDeleteI know what your feeling though. I have thought about this before. I have classified them as romantic love and instictual love, both are stronger than anything I have felt in my life and would be devistated if anything happened to either of them.
I totally know how you feel. When Tahira was a few months old Yasir and were talking and we asked ourselves "If Tahira and I were both in danger and you could only save one of us, who would you save?" We both instantly said "Tahira." No regrets or hard feelings about it. It's how we would both want it. I used to never think I could love anyone as much as Yasir, let alone "more." I guess you could just view the love as being different, not less or more.
ReplyDeleteThe love you have for Wil is a choice (of sorts), and deep down we all know that we are choosing to love our spouses/whatever. But no matter what happens between you and your kids, they're ALWAYS your kids. There will always be that bond, no matter what kind of crap they try to pull. LOL It's a completely different bond.
ReplyDeleteMental Mom- A mother's intuition is remarkable, isn't it? Yeah, I hear you. It is an instinct to love your child.
ReplyDeleteAmanda- "Different" is the right word. It is a powerful different love.
Bill- Well said! It's so true. It's a unique bond we have with our kids.
I realized the profoundness of being a mom when you rub your sleeping baby's back and expect to feel your own back being rubbed.
ReplyDeleteThat about sums it up!
ReplyDeletePsshh mine are like 2 years old. I want to get away from ALL of them! :P Lyla's the coolest. Period.
ReplyDeleteOh yea, as far as saving, babies are babies, and they are cute when they are little. It def is a different love. You almost take more shit from the little ones. Something like that.
ReplyDeleteMy lord I am cynical! LOL!
I almost don't think that we should use the same word for the way we feel about our spouses and our children. It's a totally different thing. I feel this animalistic love for my children, that is much more fierce and primal, and also much more forgiving. Because it HAS to be.
ReplyDeleteFor example, last night as my husband and I crawled into bed we realized that my toddler had peed on it. As in, on the down comforter, and soaked through that and the sheets and the mattress pad onto the mattress. It was a Huge Pain in the Butt, but I laughed it off. Now if my HUSBAND did that? Not so funny.
It's just a different deal.
I feel nothing. I am deep denial that anything bad even exists. It's nice living there. Very peaceful.
ReplyDeleteCordy - I know you could use a break, you got two little spark plugs running around over there! That's gotta be hard. Maybe I'll. feel different when I have two? I don't know. All I know is I feel the intense urge to protect this guy!
ReplyDeleteAmber- I hear you. It is a primal love, like a lioness protecting her cubs. And yes, if Wil peed in our bed I would not be remotely understanding.
BernThis- There's something to be said for denial. It is a lovely quiet place to be.
Yes! When I first brought Jonathan home, I had these horrible visions of dropping him on his head or killing him in some tragic way. I would constantly check his breathing when he was in his pack and play and the minute he sneezed or coughed, I had a heart attack. Welcome to the rest of our lives at parents: worrying 99% of the time
ReplyDeleteIt really is a terrifying love, isn't it? The worry is constant!
ReplyDelete