Seeking Advice on Grabbing, Hitting and Other Undesirable Behaviors

Hi. My name is Sarah Fader and I have a problem. My two year old son, Ari (who I love more than anything in the world) grabs toys from other kids. He also hits other children. Though I realize that this behavior is normal for his age, I still don't know how to discipline him effectively. I don't want him to keep these behaviors up well into his elementary school years.

Are you the parent of an older child? Older than say two? How did you deal with these behaviors? Please post a comment and tell me what worked for you.

The Word of The Day is: Owl

I now present to you, the word of the day: Owl!

The Writing On The Wall

It's been a long day. I was spacing out on the couch, and Ari was happily drawing in his notebook with his crayons, so I thought. Turns out I was wrong.

"Oh my G-d!" I heard Wil exclaim from the other couch. Wil is a really mellow guy, so I knew something truly shocking must be occurring. I looked over and saw this:

Here was the culprit/artist:


So we immediately put the graffiti artist in time-out, but he did not stay. Instead he chose to turn the air purifier on and off several times and then returned to the wall to finish his piece.

I have no more words.

Toddler Headstands

Recently, my son has developed a fascination with standing on his head. Sometimes I do it with him.

I was thinking about going on craigslist and buying a used gymnastics mat to further his love of headstands and other acrobatics.

He's not the only toddler I've seen stand on his head! My friend Josina's son ( and Ari's friend) Nelson also loves to stand on his head! So I'm beginning to think this is a developmental thing.

I find this behavior fascinating since I (myself) am one of the most uncoordinated people alive. I laugh internally every time I think about the fact that I'm a "gym teacher" because I have no inherent athletic ability whatsoever.

But apparently my child has a penchant for gymnastics! Who knew?

Does your toddler stand on his head? Did your kids ever stand on their heads? Do you stand on your head?

Let me know!

Night Terrors

Something alarming is happening to my child at night; he wakes up (usually around midnight) breaks out of his room, screams and runs up to me (I am passed out on the couch at this time) freaking out as if he has been battling with monsters with three heads.

I try to calm him down, I put him on my chest and hug him tight. Sometimes this works and he falls asleep after some effort on my part, and sometimes he is too shaken up to calm down.

My son's pediatrician told me that this could be considered night terrors.

As far as I understand them, night terrors appear effect babies and toddlers in this way:

--the child is startled by a scary dream

--he/she starts freaking out but is not actually awake

--By freaking out I mean physically shaking, arms (and possibly legs) flailing about and screaming

When I saw my son experience night terrors for the first time, I was alarmed and had no idea what to do. This article says that you should not try to restrain your child if they have night terror. Personally, I find this advice hard to follow. When I see my son in distress I want to help him.

Has anyone ever experienced this with their child? What did you do?

On Crawling: Christine Labeste, Pediatric O.T. Speaks

As a child, I had a difficult time learning to hold a pencil. I later found out that this was connected to the fact that I skipped that crawling stage as a baby! I sat down with Christine Labeste, Pediatric Occupational Therapist, to get the scoop on crawling. Here's what she had to say:

'

More on crawling from Ms. Labeste:

1. What is the importance of crawling?

Crawling is fairly important during development, but having tummy time is even more crucial. It provides many skills for development in the future. When children are on their stomachs, they are receiving sensory information on the whole front side of the body by bearing weight on their hands, wrist and elbows. It gives them information about where their bodies are in space, providing skills for future bilateral coordination and reciprocal movement (left and right working together). It also encourages binocular vision (being able to use both eyes to focus near and then far) since they can look close when using their hands and far when they need to get to an object. And most importantly, tummy time and crawling helps to strengthen the neck, upper torso, shoulder girdle, and the muscles needed in the hands for manipulating objects.

2. How can we encourage our children to crawl?

Since the advent of the "Back to Sleep" campaign due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, babies are spending less time on their stomachs as in the past. Children can first be encouraged to tolerate being on their stomach for at a few minutes as early as newborns using high contract pictures and toys or getting the other parent on their stomach to talk, sing, make silly faces to the child. As they get older, mirrors and toys in front of them while their elbows are propped are great. For babies who have trouble maintaining propped on their elbows, placing a small towel or pillow under their underarm/chest area to give some extra support. Tunnels are a common toy to encourage crawling. Put something appealing at the other end such as a remote control or cell phone!

3. What happens if a child skips the crawling stage altogether?

Skipping crawling may affect a child's ability to hold silverware or a pencil down the road, since the weight-bearing experience of crawling helps develop arches and stretch out ligaments in the wrist and hand that are needed for fine motor skills.

4. What rumors would you like to dispel about crawling?

That skipping crawling or tummy time won't affect future development. As a pediatric OT, I see more and more cases of weak shoulders, poor hand strength and manipulation skills, and lots of handwriting problems. I think that if we had more babies crawling and crawling for longer periods of time, we would see a decreased occurrence of these problems. However, there are certainly some children who skip crawling altogether and are perfectly fine today. Overall, I think that crawling and tummy time should not be overlooked and that we should encourage our children to go through all the stages of development.

Time Out Tips From a Principal

Immunity to Injury

Yesterday my parents were babysitting my son while my boyfriend and I were out. When we returned my dad had an ominous look on his face.

"I have to tell you something." He said, the guilt so apparent that it was leaking off of his face.
" What?" I asked, already annoyed.
"Ari fell...off the bed and bumped his head."



I looked at my son, who was smiling and laughing and running across the floor with a plastic truck. He was obviously fine.

"It's okay dad. He looks fine."

My dad was visibly relieved. What I find interesting about this story, is that six months ago I would have freaked out if my son fell down and bumped his head. I realized that my laid back response to my son's injury means that I have grown as a parent.

I now realize that not anything and everything is an emergency. There will be lots of bumps and scraps along the road and not every one of them requires a a freak out.

Incidentally, head injury in babies can be serious. I don't mean to minimize it. I remember one time (when my son was around 9 months old) he fell and bumped his head leaving him with the bump the size of a grape on his forehead. I called the doctor to ask what I should do.

She told me to observe him and if he:
--was vomiting
--was lethargic
--seems dizzy or out of it

to take him to the emergency room.

The point is some injuries are benign are some are serious, but as a parent, it's important to use your intuition to judge whether or not you feel that your child's condition warrants further attention. And if you have a funny feeling call the doctor. Even if it turns out to be nothing, you'll have piece of mind.

My Son, The Bully

I went away for the weekend to a place where my son was around many children. We were in the suburbs, and we often found ourselves hanging out in the backyard. Being a city kid, my son has limited access to greenery so we take what we can get.

He quickly became obsessed with a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe; a toddler sized plastic car that had a door he could open and close himself. He would open the door, get into the car, and then close the door and move the steering wheel around for a few seconds. Then he would re-open the door, exit the car and repeat the process several times. He loved it.

He was having a ball; until the rightful owner of the car (an 18 month old boy) attempted to go for a ride. My son became frustrated. He thought the car was his! What was this other child doing trying to drive his car?

My son did not stand for this boy usurping ownership of the car. He promptly crawled up to the 18 month old, grabbed his hair and pulled it as hard as he could. I was horrified. I ran up to my child and exclaimed:

"Hey! What are you doing?! No! Stop that!" I removed him from the scene of the crime and comforted the other boy who, at this point, was screaming his tiny head off.

I felt terrible. Where did my son learn such rude behavior from? Certainly not from me. I had never seen him do something so blatantly mean to another child.

The other boy calmed down and the kids went on playing as usual. I was relieved. Until a three year old girl (the sister of the boy who my son just got finished torturing) approached the Cozy Coupe. The girl got into the car and began driving. My son was visibly displeased. He opened the door to the coupe, and pushed the little girl to the side using the force of his 22 lb body.

What was happening? My son was so fixated on this car that he was unwilling to let any other children use it, and it wasn't even his toy to begin with!

I could not believe my son's behavior. As much as I tried to intervene, he was behaving like a bully toward these children and I felt powerless to stop him.

I began to wonder if this is his true personality coming out. Images flashed through my mind of my boy five years from now on the playground, smacking a child in the face and running away and feeling no remorse in the process.

Is this who my son will become? I am going to observe him closely to see if this behavior resurfaces in other envrionments. If it does, I must find a way to stop it!

A Tantrum Victory

This morning I was cooking chicken drumsticks for my boyfriend to take to work for lunch. I was in and out of the kitchen and my son was crawling all around the living room during this time finding interesting things to play with.

I re-entered the living room and he approached me, lifted his arms up to indicate that he wanted to be picked up. I obliged, gave him a hug and a kiss and then I heard the the timer beep in the kitchen. I went to put my son back down on the floor. He arched his back, began crying and flailing his limbs uncontrollably.

"Here we go again." I thought to myself. But then I thought, "Let me try something." So I carefully placed him on the floor and said "goodbye." in a very matter of fact way. I wanted to communicate to him that if he was going to act in an out of control way, then I would not be around him.

Guess what? It worked. He cried for three seconds, got up and began searching for new and exciting objects to play with.

Victory! One point for mommy!

Mommy! Where Did You Go?

Ah babies! They always keep you on your toes. If its not teething, gas, excretion of some kind or all the other wonderful things that come along with being a mom, it's this; separation anxiety.

My son will be 14 months in July. Shortly after his first birthday he has started to cling to me like super glue.


He used to sleep through the night incredibly well, but lately when I put him to bed at 7pm he screams and screams until I go into the room and remind him that I still exist; I haven't left him for good.

And it doesn't stop there. When I leave him with anyone other than myself, even to go to the next room, he freaks out; screaming and crying. It is intense. Eventually he calms down after a minute or so, but you should see the relief on his face when I come back in the room.

Separation anxiety is normal; particularly at his age. Typically the onset of separation anxiety occurs anywhere between 12 and 18 months but can occur as early as nine months.

Just because it's normal doesn't mean that it isn't exhausting for both parent and child. For my part I am glad that my son is showing me that he is healthily attached to me; however, It is draining to have to constantly reassure him that I'm still here. I love him very much, but come on! Give mommy a break!

With regard to the trouble sleeping at night, I had to give him a refresher course in the Ferber method.

1. After he has his bath and I read him a bed time story, I put him down in his crib at 7pm. 2. He cries for five minutes.
3. If he is not asleep after five minutes, I go in there, LEAVE HIM IN THE CRIB, and rub his back for exactly one minute. Then I exit the room again.
4. I wait ten minutes.
5. If he is still crying after ten minutes I go in again and rub his back for maximum one minute. Then promptly leave the room.
6. Then wait 15 minutes. Usually during this interval, he falls asleep.
The point of this exercise is to reassure him that I am still here. You start with a small interval (5 minutes) and then increase accordingly. You are showing your baby that they can be alone for a period of time and you will still return eventually.

Separation anxiety is rough for both baby and mommy. I hope that my son gets over this phase quickly. I am doing everything that I can to show my little boy that I am here for him.

What Lovely Teeth You Have!

I have been writing this mom blog for some time now, and I cannot believe that I have never addressed the issue of teething! It's such a common annoyance that both babies and moms alike have to deal with.

Lucky me, my son began teething at 3 months old. His first two teeth (the bottom ones) emerged at 4 months of age. At the time, I was still nursing. After dealing with mastitis (a breast infection) now I had to contend with teeth on my breasts.

Many people questioned my devotion to breastfeeding at various points:

"When he gets teeth you're going to stop, right?"

Depending on my mood, and my energy to deal with the particular person asking the question I would respond accordingly. Sometimes I would say:

"Yes! I don't want to deal with that." Because clearly that is what the person wanted to hear. Or other times I would attempt to passively explain my cause.

"Well, I'm planning on nursing him for a year. So hopefully he won't have too many teeth along the way."

The funny thing is, it wasn't the actual teeth that bothered me while I was nursing; it was when the teeth were getting ready to emerge from my son's gums that was the most irritating. For two reasons:

1. When he was nursing and the teeth were emerging at the root, my breasts would itch like crazy!
2. My son was irritable all day and night during this time.

I am proud to say, I toughed it out and nursed for one year through ten baby teeth. Go me!

As always, I solicited the advice of many veteran mothers to try to cope with the teething process. Here are some tricks that actually helped me and my son along the way:

1. Freeze a washcloth. Once it is frozen offer it to your baby when he is cranky due to teething. He can munch on it and it will ease the teething pain.
2. Freeze a bagel. Same principle as the washcloth, but there is a bonus! If little pieces of the bagel break off, your baby gets a snack! But try to buy bagels that are not crumbly. The mini bagels are a bit flimsier and break off enormous chunks causing your living room floor to be quite the mess. Go for the real deal, big bagels are best.
3. Pedialyte Freezer Pops or the generic Electrofreeze pops. Essentially they are like frozen Gatorade. Older babies (six months plus) love to suck on these.
4. Essentially freeze any plastic baby toy. They will munch on them and it will comfort the teething pain and your pain from dealing with the teething pain.
5. Cold drinks. Give your baby a cold sippy cup of water. This will make him/her feel better as well.

Here is what many people do NOT tell you about teething. Teething can be just as hard on you as it can on your child:

• If your baby wakes up during the night because he/she is teething, you're awake too; trying to find a way to deal with his pain.
• It's hard to see your child in pain and know that there is only so much you can do to help. You can offer home remedies to them, but in the end, this is just a developmental phase they are going through. This can be frustrating for YOU.
  

Here are two facts that you may not know about teething. I didn't know them, and I'm glad I do now:

1. Teething may be accompanied by a fever. Do not be alarmed! Just give your baby the age appropriate dose of Infant Motrin (read the back of the box) to cope with the fever.
2. Teething also may be accompanied by diarrhea. This apparently is because the gums are slightly infected. The loose stool is a result of the infection. Just feed binding foods such as bananas, apples, rice and toast.

To all those who are dealing with a teething baby at this very moment. I'm sorry! It will get better. My son is actually teething right now. I feel your pain.

Waaaaa! I want it now!

My son is 13 months, but you would think he was already two because...the tantrums have begun.

He zooms up to my computer and bangs on the keyboard with his little hands which are surprisingly strong. I quickly run up to him, remove him from the situation and place him in front of a zillion baby-friendly toys as an alternative. He freaks out. He screams at the top of his lungs, he wails; tears streaming down his face. Did I mention that he is only 13 months old?

The most frustrating aspect of this situation is that he is still a non-verbal being. My son does not yet use words to express himself. Instead he reacts by screaming, crying, screeching and babbling. Houston we have a problem! I cannot communicate with my child!

Needless to say I've been at my wits end for the last couple of weeks. I've solicited the advice of many veteran mothers to combat the issue. Below are some of the pearls of wisdom they have offered:

1. Get him a toy computer. Clearly he is interested in the computer for a reason, give him a computer to play with that is all his own.

My response: A great idea, but I don't have the funds right now.

2. Give him an old keyboard to play with.

My response: It works...for a little bit. But...he still goes for my computer eventually.

3. Remove him from the computer, sit him in a safe place and let him cry until he is ready to be civil again.

My response: Baaaa! I can't take the screaming! I'm going bananas!

3. Distraction, distraction, distraction! Give him something else to play with. He will eventually forget about your computer.

My response: Maybe...for a minute...nah! The computer is still more interesting than anything else I could offer him.

If it's this bad now, what happens when he actually hits the "terrible twos?" Any advice, folks? 

How Many Months Are You?

Before I had my son, I would run into adorable children on the street and ask:

"Aw! How old is your son?"

And the mother would reply:

"He's 19 months."

At that moment I would internally roll my eyes and laugh. 19 months? How old is that really? When you ask an adult how old they are they give you a regular number: "I'm 30." or "I'm 45." And they are referring to years and not months. I wasn't used to hearing age referred to in months. I promised myself that I wouldn't be one of those parents that referred to their children's ages in terms of months.

However, now that I have a child times have changed. Up until my son was one year old, I referred to him in terms of months. He was at one time seven months old, then eight months etc. until he turned one year old.

My son turned a year in May. Now that it is June he is no longer exactly one year old but rather....13 months!! I know, I swore I wouldn't do it. But the truth is, developmentally, from child to child, there is a vast difference from month to month.

There is a significant difference between a one year old and a 13 month old.

On the other hand, I (as an adult human being) cannot refer to myself in months. It would be socially unacceptable and bizarre to say that I am 355 months.

Baby Drama

As parents we would like to think that our children are perfect. But they all have their days. Some days my son gets so cranky and I don't know what to do with him. I pick him up to comfort him and he arches his back, leans his head back and wails. He has a legitimate concern. Maybe he's tired, or hungry, or perhaps he's teething. Sometimes I joke to my boyfriend that he is being...dramatic!

And you know what? He is being dramatic. Or at least it appears that way, because he currently only has one real mode of communication: crying. Sometimes I wish I could burst out crying when things don't go my way...wait, I do do that. But not to the extent that my son does it.

When he doesn't get his needs met, my little man lets me know, and in quite a theatrical way. I think the reason I joke about him being so dramatic, is to relieve my own maternal anxiety. Let's face it, being a mother is a hard job. The hardest job I've ever had.

And when my son is wailing his head off, I laugh at his dramatic display to ease the tension within myself. Because I don't know what he wants. I use trial and error to figure out what could placate him until I get it right. And if I don't get it right, I ask my mom for what to do.

The truth is babies are inherently dramatic, because they have to let us know when they need something. And that communication cannot be subtle.

The Transition to Solid Foods

My son has been eating baby food jars since he was six months old. I only feed him organic baby food because I feel that it has the purest ingredients for his little body. His favorite brand is Earth's Best Organic Baby Food

However, he is having a really hard time transitioning from pureed baby foods to solid foods at a year of age.

He likes certain solid foods a lot. But his issue with solid food is mainly the texture. He finds the texture of many solid foods unpleasant. I offer them to him and he spits them out instantly.

So far he has rejected:

--avocado - which everyone insists is a winner. He says - not so much.
--peas - I put a pea in his mouth, he sticks his tongue out and the pea shoots back out onto the high chair tray.
--salad - He doesn't know what to make of it, so he throws it on the floor.
--boiled carrots - same tongue action as the peas
--broccoli- It's so weird looking, it must be a toy
--black beans - he makes a strange face, sticks his tongue out and the beans fall to the floor
--most vegetables in general - he hates the texture and the taste

So far he likes:
--breaded baked chicken breast - I cut it into little pieces and he eats it all up. Loves it!
--steak- I marinate it it olive oil and soy sauce and also cut it into tiny pieces. Loves it
--bananas- Who doesn't love bananas?
--spinach - but only if it is sauteed in garlic and olive oil and hidden in a piece of steak
--oatmeal - I wish I could explain this one. It's so bland. But he loves it.
--yogurt- creamy delicious yogurt. He loves it.
--scrambled eggs- soft and easy to eat. But only eats them if there is salt and pepper on them and if they are made with olive oil
--bread- soft and chewy, it is his new pacifier when I am out at a restaurant
--Cherrios - bite sized, he can feed himself ten at a time now. He is totally addicted

He is quite a fussy eater. I've asked his pediatrician about the transition from baby food purees to solid foods. She says that it takes time, and that I shouldn't give up. Just keep offering him different choices of foods. She also says that kid's tastes change. He may not like avocado now, but I should try it again at some point.

I don't know...so far he's rejected avocado on three distinct occasions.

I wrote to Earth's Best to see if they had any suggestions with regard to the solid food transition. Hopefully they will have some advice to offer.

The Developmental Milestone War

"Aww! Your son is so cute! How old is he?"

"A year."

"Really? He's big for a year. Is he walking?"

"No, no he's not walking yet."

"Oh, well my daughter was walking at 9 months. Just give him time he'll do it. Is he talking yet?"

"Yeah, he says 'mama' and 'dada' but he doesn't really know what they mean."

"Well, my daughter was talking at 11 months, he's going to get there...."

Sound familiar? What I have just recounted is a common phenomenon amongst parents; competition.

Human beings are inherently competitive. But that competition intensifies when it comes to our children. Because our children are extensions of ourselves.

So if another parent tells me that their child is talking at one year, I get anxious and defensive; its only natural. I'm thinking to myself:

Why isn't my son talking? Is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with me? What's going on?!

So what do I do? I bring up some other wonderful thing that he has started to do!

"Well, he just recently started pointing!! And that's early too! He's actually under a year. Usually kids don't start pointing until after they turn a year."

I know, its immature of me. But I need to feel secure about my son's development and my parenting skills. But I've noticed that I'm not alone. Many other parents are competitive with regard to their children.

However, I have noticed that this competition is not productive. For me, it makes me constantly question myself and my son.

The solution; be more mindful of when I compete with other parents. My competitive nature is not going to make my son do things any faster. Because at the end of the day, our kids do things at their own pace on their journey to becoming who they are.