Back to my life. My life is in flux. It's possible that I won't be able to continue blogging. This makes me incredibly sad. I don't want this to be the end of my life on the Internet. I enjoy sharing my stories. Believe me when I say it's not up to me. I don't want to stop sharing my stories with you. But I've been told by mysterious outside forces (that I can't get into right now) that it may be the best idea to stop sharing my stories online.
Writing is my form of therapy. I go to real therapy too, once a week, but this place…this is my place. I don't want to give it up. I know the couches, the crevices, the dark rooms and the light ones. I know this place because it is my home. I've lived here since 2009. When I moved in it had no furniture, but I built it all. I gathered the wood and I made benches and a bed to sleep in. I painted the walls and put pictures on them. Slowly but surely this blog began to feel like me. It began to be my real home on online.
I love it here. Sometimes, I laugh a lot here. Those are fun days in the house. And sometimes I cry and let it all out. Other times I scream into a pillow to express frustration, and then there are days that I don't know what to say so I write posts like these.
This is a different kind of post. An outside force is attempting to silence my voice. And I don't know if i have the capability to stop that voice. I don't know if I have the armor to put on and fight it. I'm a fighter for sure. I've fought against many unjust causes in my 34 years on this earth. But, I don't know how to take this one on.
I'm not being dramatic here. I'm not writing this so you can tell me how wonderful I am. I am writing this because I honestly feel like my life online might be coming to a close and I'm saddened about it.
Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll figure out a way around this.
So if I abruptly disappear from the Internet, I love you guys. I'll keep writing always, it'll just be privately. I hope none of this happens.
You know what? Don't let them silence you. Don't do it. I let outside forces silence me once or twice and I was unhappy, miserable until I returned.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to ride.
Um. Hide.
ReplyDeletehaha ride.
ReplyDeleteYou do what keeps you whole. You do not need to fight every battle... but if you can't live without fighting it, you're completely capable. The internet will not disappear if you take a break from this space for a while. Whatever happens, you have people on your side... and there are always other ways to be "heard" - you don't strike me as the silent type. ;)
ReplyDeleteThere are a thousands ways to say the same thing. You can scream and yell in the face of adversity, or you can be cryptic and sarcastic; ex: "A modest proposal." If sharing the "controversial" stories are putting you in danger then stop sharing those stories. Share the stories where you kid makes a mess and then disarms your frustration with a well timed "I love you." Share the stories about how before kids waking up at 9am was an early morning.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to come across this. I love your stories! I wish you all the best with everything and I hope you come back to online soon.
ReplyDelete