Thursday, January 27, 2011

One Minute At a Time

After I had Samara, and was recovering in the hospital, I started to freak out. How could I love two kids? How could I handle both their needs at the same time. Thoughts were racing through my brain at an uncontrollable pace. My anxiety was compounded by the fact that I wasn't yet producing breast milk, only colostrum, and she was feeding frequently and getting frustrated shortly after latching on. She would eat for a few seconds and then scream. I felt like a failure. I had nursed Ari for a year, what was going on with this baby?

At some point, my OB's partner in her practice came to visit me. I told him about my nursing frustration, he said:

"Just remember, her stomach is the size of a grape right now, she's not going to starve." I started to use this mantra when I got upset about nursing: size of a grape, size of a grape.

I was extremely emotional about Ari. I was afraid if I loved this new baby, Ari would somehow disappear or not love me anymore. I was holding him and crying. Remember much of this was based on the fact that my hormones were throwing a massive keg party in my body.

My brother came to visit. I made everyone who was in the room leave so I could talk to him. I cried, I confessed that I didn't think I could do it. I was absolutely terrified to have two kids. I wanted to run away. I felt horribly guilty for having those feelings. I was afraid I'd fail at nursing this time. I was terrified that Ari wouldn't love me anymore.

He calmed me down. He said it was normal to have those feelings and that all I had to do is take it moment by moment, one minute at at a time. He said it was okay to accept help from my parents. I felt guilty. He told me not to.

When we were getting ready to leave the hospital, my hospital roommate stopped me on the way out the door. I already liked her from eavesdropping on her phone conversations with her kids who were at home:
"No Kool Aid until you finish your dinner! I heard you were chewing gum, you know if I were there you wouldn't being doing that!"
She said to me:
"I just want let you know, I overheard what you were saying before, and I felt the same way when my second child was born. You're not alone. Just remember to take time for yourself, even if it's just to go for a short walk. And you know what helped me the most? Keeping a journal. Write your feelings down even if they feel crazy. Let it out, otherwise you'll feel like you're going to explode."

When we arrived home from the hospital, my mom watched Samara at night and let me sleep until she needed to nurse. She did this for two nights. My body was so sleep deprived from being in early labor for a week, that I needed as much rest as possible to feel normal again.

I'm just starting to feel better. I'm taking my roommate's advice. I'm writing it down. I'm taking my brother's advice, one minute at a time.


  1. when i was preg with my second i was really worried that i had made the wrong decision, that i was going to ruin the firstborns life, that i wouldnt like them equally, that i would favour one. i think the answer to that is that it all comes out in the wash. The firstborn will not have university paid for, will not get that family trip to europe or other luxeries because there are other siblings now, but then he has a brother. The second born will never know what it is like to be the only one, but he will never be lonely either. I am preg with my third now and those thoughts have not crossed my mind this time. it is a "the more the merrier" kind of vibe this time. I have one brother and I would be lost without him, and i often wish i had more siblings. You are doing a great job, you have two cute kids, it will work out, you will make it through. Ps: All i think about now is about how my life will be wonderful when they are all gone, my house will be so clean, the trips i can take....(i think i have created a dream world...)

  2. Thank you Sara! And Mazel Tov on your third pregnancy! How awesome is that?

  3. I totally feel you on this!! I also held Z and cried!! But you start to love them just like you did with the first one. And you love whoever isn't pissing you off at the time more. LOL only sort of joking. But Sara is right, siblings are SO special. And besides, my kids weren't getting anything paid for or fancy or free even if there was just one! LOL!

  4. Congratulations :) I can't imagine two kids, I have an only child. I'm sure you will be just awesome!

  5. I also cried LOL. Still do hahahaha! Every week it gets a little easier though.
    I was in labor for like 4 days and I remember being so tired too! And that was with an epidural at the end so I could sleep for a few minutes..

  6. I'm scared about that stuff too. I'm feel bad for our son because we are having two new babies. How will we have time? I like the advice you got and I'm going to remember it. Good luck. I'm sure you'll do great.

  7. I sobbed after I had #2. I felt so bad for #1. He would have to share me. #2 was a stranger. How was he going to fit in? Within a few months it was like #2 had always been around. So then I have #3 and I sobbed and thought, how is this going to work? #1 & #2 and I have such a strong bond. We have done so many things together. How will #3 fit in? And now at 2.5 months it is like he has always been here. It's amazing how it all works out and how normal all your feelings are.


What do you think? Feel free to agree or disagree, but hateful comments will be deleted.