Thursday, October 4, 2012

Chemical Pregnancy

The mistake I made was that I got excited.


It was five days before my period, and I began to feel nauseated. I was emotional. I cried harder than usual at The Maggie Gyllenhaal movie. Something didn't feel right.

I took a pregnancy test.

It was negative.

A couple of days went by...

I continued to feel sad, sadder than usual.

I took another pregnancy test.

It was negative.

I missed my period that same day I  went to Sleep Therapy Yoga. I told Nick that I knew I was pregnant. I took another pregnancy test. It was positive.

"99 percent accurate," it said.

Early results as soon as five days before your missed period. I had missed my period.

I text the picture to my best friend.
She said ''Well then."

I told Wil.
"I don't want to get excited until you see a doctor." He said.
"I don't need to see a doctor to get a excited." I argued.

I told people.

I told my parents.

I told my brother.

I got excited. Some were concerned others were excited. I welcomed it all in like a sponge.

There was a question mark in my mind.

My friend Liz brought over an extra test. I took it. It was negative.

My best friend came over and she brought me another test, from the 99 cent store. It was negative. I was confused. I was angry at the positive test.

The next day, I got my period.

I bawled. I didn't understand it. What happened?
I text my doula. What was it?
"It's called a chemical pregnancy." She said.

It never implanted.

I cried. It was the worst period of my adult life. Every time I went to the bathroom and saw blood I was reminded that there wasn't a baby in my uterus.

I cried and cried. I cried into Wil's armpit. I cried into his shirt. I saturated his clothes with tears.

I am not pregnant. This never happened. It was all an illusion.

I'm angry at myself for getting excited. I'm angry at myself for telling people. I'm angry at the fact that there is no baby. I am angry at each and every pregnancy test that I took.

The anger is stuck in my chest. I want to reach in deep and grab it out, throw it out of my body.

This happened. It's real. I'm still here.


  1. Sarah, I'm so, so sorry :( Life just isn't fair! It must be so hard to think you're pregnant and see a positive test and then realize it was a chemical pregnancy. When I was trying to get pregnant with Rumaisa, I had quite a few negative months and it just crushed me. One time I was even late and thought, "Surely this test will be positve" and it wasn't. I was pissed. I hope you feel better soon and I'll pray for baby #3 :)

    1. The whole thing is surreal. I almost wish that I never took any tests and just waited it out.

  2. Wow! Sarah that was so emotional to read!!!! :'( It's always easier to say you should have waited. But we both know how hard that is in the moment. I wonder if I have such a thing as a chemical pregnancy (I never heard of it before) because of the IUD. I was under the impression that it wouldn't implant even if it was there. Would explain a lot. Feel good, at the right time everything will fall into place.

    1. Aw! Thanks babe. I never knew this existed until it happened to me. So weird.

  3. Better to have an appointment with doctor , because it provides the correct confirmation regarding the pregnancy. Ultrasound pictures provides you the exact and correct result.
    Pregnancy Test:

  4. So sorry, Sarah. I've been there, once with a chemical pregnancy, and once with a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Probably the hardest thing I've ever been through. But it gets better, I promise. Sorry you had to endure that, though.


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