Saturday, March 29, 2014

Irrationally Inappropriate Overly Honest Responses to Children

Sometimes your kids ask you questions that are completely reasonable bearing in mind that they are (in fact) small humans that are inquisitive and learning about the world. I try my best to be patient with these questions and answer with appropriate responses. But sometimes, the internal monologue in my head is not so nice.

Here are some examples of questions my kids have asked me that make my head want to fucking explode.

1. "Mommy, what's your name?"
All right, I understand you've only been on this planet for three years, but you've known me literally the entire time you've been here. Are you fucking kidding me with this one? It's mommy, okay? Or, if you want to get all technical, it's Sarah. But we've gone over this shit several times.

2. "Mommy, he hit me."
Yes, my kids fight. Usually I'll tell the one who has been hit to say "I don't like that." or "Please stop." But again, in the confines of my brain what I'm really thinking is "You turn around and tell your brother to stop being an asshole."

3. "What's that?"
Yes, we love to identify objects in this house. Labeling is how children learn. But I have told you what the light switch was 400 times. At this rate, you're never going to keep a job, and I'm going to have to support your ass until your 40 and living in my basement. By the way, I'm not paying your student loans.

4. "Where are we going?"
Whoa! I thought I was bad with directions. Do I need to buy you a personal GPS? We have gone over this 30 times. We are going to the playground. You know the playground, we've been there before. This should be old hat for you.

5. "Mommy, where are my pants?"
There's this thing called a dresser where clothes live. If you investigate this piece of furniture further, I can guarantee you will find exactly what you're looking for. While we're at it, "where's my free time?" "What happened to my bank account?" and "Will I ever get to have sex uninterrupted again?"

6. Why?
Shut the fuck up.

For all you parents out there who are losing your minds with the repetitive nature of children's questions…I have no consolation for you, because it just keeps going. My mind is broken, but not as broken as my wallet.


  1. Hahaha! So true, and so hilarious.

    "I'm hungry nooow" is another one (when I'm making food. Like. You see me doing it).

  2. I don't see my favorite question growing up, "Why?"
    It's a good addition for any questions.
    "Mommy, what's your name?"
    *mommy responds*

    "Where are we going?"
    *mommy responds*

    It's a great tool to keep mommy explaining herself even further. LOL

  3. Oh totally! I forgot about that one! Classic!

  4. Our inner dialog is compatable...hahahahha!!

  5. I love your passion for writing. It's what keeps me breathing, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who writes to survive.

    I didn't know you were working on a book about asshole three-year-olds! Your original post cracked me up because it's so, so true. I love my four-year-old niece dearly, but she's diabolical and likes to fuck with all of us. This stage is seldom mentioned, and if it is, it's only in whispers. I admire your balls, Sarah. Thanks for being so honest!

  6. Writing has saved me from a lot. I don't know where I would be without it.

  7. Once my son (now 10) got past the age where he had a legitimate need to ask those questions, (around 5), I think my inner filter broke, and I started answering him with what I was thinking. Except for #6 - my answer to why is usually "why do you think" or "go look it up on wikipedia", or "google it".


What do you think? Feel free to agree or disagree, but hateful comments will be deleted.