Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Guest Post: If You Give a Dad a Schedule By Jessica Davis

Many of you have read the popular children's book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie  which has such poignant lines as "if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk." The story then unfolds and the mouse becomes more and more annoying and demanding.

My dear friend and Blogger Jessica Davis has created a parody of this classic children's tale. It's called: If You Give a Dad a Schedule.

I present you with: If You Give a Dad a Schedule

If you give a dad the schedule
He'll throw it out the window
When he throws it out the window, he'll ignore the basket of clean clothes that needs to be put away
When he ignores the basket of clean clothes that needs to be put away…
He'll dress the kids in dirty clothes.
When he dresses the kids in dirty clothes, he'll shrug and take them outside to play in the mud
When he takes them outside to play in the mud...
They'll start eating the mud.
When the kids start eating the mud, he'll realize he hasn't fed them real food yet and they might develop PICA.
When he realizes he hasn't fed them read food yet, and they may be developing PICA, he'll bring them inside and give them a bath using only baby wipes.
When he gives them a “bath” using only baby wipes, he'll miss half the mud and they’ll be dirty as hell.
When he misses half the mud, and the kids are dirty as hell, the kids will see the mud and demand chocolate pudding for breakfast.
But, since he threw the schedule out the window and he has no idea what to feed them for breakfast…
He'll give them pudding for breakfast.
When he gives the kids pudding for breakfast, he’ll realize how useful the schedule was.

Jessica Davis lives in Ontario, Canada. She is a mother to two young boys, and lives with a rare chronic pain disorder called Multiple Hereditary Exostoses. She’s been writing online for
almost a decade. She blogs at The Fevered Pen. Follow her on Facebook here and most recently, an AUTHOR PAGE. You should follow all of the above for amazing life changing writings. Jessica is also extremely sarcastic, but nevertheless still wants you to follow her blog and Facebook pages. Hugs and kisses!


  1. It slays me. I read it to Matt and he laughed his ass off.

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Preach! This is the whole truth and nothing but!

  3. Oh, dads: the only creatures known to dress children in mismatched socks and clashing bright colors, and be completely oblivious. My sister-in-law, who helps my husband's brother out with his daughter, had to pre-package outfits for him because he's so bad at dressing her.

    He's not the only one. I can remember going to my mom's hairdresser's back in the day, and the hairdresser exclaiming that "You can tell Daddy dressed the kids today!"

  4. While funny. You gotta give dads some credit. We wouldn't let all of this happen. Maybe just the putting on dirty clothes and eating pudding for breakfast.

  5. Pudding. That's all I gotta say. The pudding is real life.

  6. hahahaha! That's really funny about the outfits.

  7. Really? The "dads are dumb" meme? I thought we got past this silliness a couple of years ago when we realized that negative parenting stereotypes are equally damaging on both sides of the gender line.

    Imagine if I wrote a similar poem called "Give a Mom a Map, and she'll turn 'down' instead of 'up'..." or anything similar that stereotypes moms and/or women as idiots. I would be vilified, and rightly so.

    As a father of four who routinely does his daughters' hair, helps with the increasingly dramatic choosing of clothes for the day, shuttles them to dance/hockey/gymnastics/sleepovers, and did six loads of laundry over the weekend, I'm a tad offended.

    But big brands get caught in this trap too: http://www.daddydoctrines.com/2013/06/25/clorox-because-dad-is-as-dumb-as-a-dog-what/

    We have TV to blame, of course. Homer Simpson, I'm looking at you. Josh Levs has a good piece on the problem here: http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/12/living/dumb-dad-stereotype/

  8. Good points! You sound like a very involved dad. Unfortunately not ALL dads are like you. I still think you're cute by the way. Also I hope this post doesn't deter you from helping me transfer the blog to WordPress. hahaha


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