Thursday, March 4, 2010

My Alpha Hemorrhoid Strikes Back With A Vengance (Not For the Faint Hearted)

This morning I went to the bathroom and stood up to find that the toilet was filled entirely with blood.

After this occurred exactly seven more times, it was clear to me that something was very wrong. I suspected my alpha hemorrhoid had something to do with this mess, but I couldn't be sure.

All of a sudden I felt sweaty, nauseated and unable to move from the couch. Thankfully I was at my parent's place at the time. My protective maternal instinct kicked in. I motioned to Ari and exclaimed to my mom:
"Get him out of here!" She rushed my little guy out of the room.

Then I vomited on my favorite hoody and jeans, which made me very sad. After expending all this energy on bodily functions, I could not rise from the couch and I knew something was, in fact, very wrong with me. Before I realized what I was saying I'd already called out to my mom:
"Call 911!"
"Okay, okay!" My mom said in a state of shock.

The ambulance arrived, and there were three surprisingly friendly EMS workers in my parent's apartment. As she administered an oxygen mask to my face while I was lying on the couch, Samantha (one of the EMS workers) commented on how cute my parent's cats were and said that she had five of her own.

Samantha, Guermo, and Ryan (who I kept calling "Adam" because I was so out of it) navigated the stretcher they placed me on through the narrow hallways of my parent's garden apartment.

On the ride to the hospital, my mom warned these unsuspecting EMS workers that they might end up on my blog.

I've said many times how much I love the Emergency Room, and by "love" I mean "hate with the fire of a thousand suns!" Oddly enough, this time the ER wasn't so bad. Here are the reasons why this visit to the ER was borderline pleasant!

1. An extremely competent Physician's Assistant named Florence. She complimented me on knowing when to call 911. I said: "I'm a child of the 80's, when you see something say something!" She replied "I'm a child of the 50's, just stay home and die!"
2. A kind Nurse Tech named Sheldon who put on my hospital socks FOR me. They were fancy and turquoise! I stole them, naturally.
3. I got to take a 20 minute nap while I was waiting for my blood work results!
4. A hospital volunteer came to my room and asked if there was anything he could do to make my stay more comfortable. He wondered aloud if I might like a pillow? I exclaimed "Yes!"
5. Nurse Gabrielle, who continued to help me even when she "wasn't my nurse anymore."
6. I didn't have to stay overnight! And I got home at a reasonable hour: 4:30pm!

It truly makes a difference to have pleasant helpful folks around you when you think that you may have something horribly wrong with you.

Have you ever had a pleasant ER experience?

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  1. OMG WTH!!! What did they say!?!? It was because of your Hem you got sick!?! I hope you feel better! Did your dad watch Ari while your mom came with you!? This did make me laugh a lot though!!!

  2. Yes! My hemorrhoid is is responsible for this horrible experience. I'm glad it made ya laugh though! I was trying to make myself laugh (and the staff of people helping me as well) so that I didn't break down and start hysterically crying. This is usually my coping mechanism in states of crisis, just keep cracking inappropriate jokes. It usually throws everyone off, and they want to laugh too!

  3. OMG WTF indeed! I'm glad you're finally okay, and am very sad that you had to spend yet another night in the ER. That darn rubber band procedure!

    I totally agree with your cracking inappropriate jokes coping mechanism. I do it when I get nervous, cuz it throws people off. :)

  4. Thank you Donna-la! I am glad everything is okay too. Cracking inappropriate jokes is really the best way to deal with terrible situations. I'm so glad you adopt the same coping mechanism!

  5. It was totally freaky and I am so glad it is over and everything looks okay. What a scary deal, and seemingly out of nowhere. Thanks to all the staff at Methodist Hospital Emergency. They really made things better.

  6. It was the second scariest moment in my life to date, I'd say! And thank G-d you were there, mom!

  7. Hello Sarah,
    I've finally come to your site. I am pleased to hear that you have recovered and that you are doing well. This is one of the few times that I have been able to follow-up on a patient and I am truly glad that it all worked out. Good luck to you and yours and it was a pleasure serving you.
    Samantha Neverson
    FDNY Rescue Paramedic

  8. Samantha!

    I hope you and the kitties are doing well! And tell your sister, mazal tov on her baby! She's getting along there into the final stretch!

    I am so glad you were there that day. I'm feeling so much better thanks to your wonderful care. Thank G-d. Thank you so much for being there.


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