Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Guest Post - Don’t Ask Me Why I Don’t Match My Kids

Sarah Carmichael is the mother in a kick-ass Canadian family comprised of her husband, her soon-to-be six year old son, and her two year old daughter. She works as an independent contractor and has been blogging at sarahcasm.ca since 2006. As far as she’s concerned, it’s all a matter of perspective.

“How did she come to you?” she said as she twirled my two year old’s curls around her finger. “Do you foster her?” Before she could blink, my daughter was out of her reach and perched on my hip. “She’s mine.” I said. “I gave birth to her.” Perhaps the curls threw her - or maybe it was how the brown of her skin contrasted with the stark whiteness of mine. Maybe it was both. I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to know.

Upon seeing the differences between me and my daughter, this woman assumed that she was not of my body. Did it not cross her mind that my husband could be black? Did she not know that brown babies can come out of white mothers? Had she never seen an interracial family before? Why wasn’t black father her assumption before white foster mother? So many questions.

The woman is a friend of people I know and they tried to answer some of my questions and rationalize her assumption – her only exposure to non-white kids has been through friends who foster. What? No. She has never met my husband or seen a photo of him. So what? She didn’t realize you had kids. Blatantly untrue; she and I had met before. I didn’t want excuses. I didn’t want anyone to explain away the assumptions made about my family and my kids. I didn’t care about intentions. I was hurt and I was sad. I was angry, but I was also thankful my daughter was too young to understand the implications of what was said.

The brief encounter revealed much more about that woman than it did about my family. Those ten little words, posed without hesitation, told me a story. I’m sure her intentions were not malicious, but that doesn’t change anything. I’m also sure other people wonder about my relationship to my kids – maybe not in the diverse city in which we live, but perhaps in more homogenous communities like the one I grew up in. Of course the assumption stung, but it bothered me more that she felt entitled to ask – to expose her bias and scrutiny of us. It’s not anyone else’s business and we don’t owe anyone an explanation. The truth is, it doesn’t matter how my baby came to me. 

I’d like to say this was an isolated incident, but it’s just one example of many. In fact, that same week, the exact same question was posed to me about my daughter.  That time, the woman at least had the decency to not tug on my child’s curls. I had some family members around me that time, though, and after a stunned silence, her grandmother responded with “she looks just like her daddy and he’s an awesome father.” Subtle, but to the point. I guess that last part was intended to shatter any stereotypes the woman may have consumed about black men being bad or absent fathers. After a quick “Oh, of course! Of course.” the woman turned and walked away.

Encounters like these stick with me. I remember the strangers who touch my children’s hair, patting it like they can’t figure out why it doesn’t lie flat on their heads, or tugging it to watch it spring back. I remember questions about their paternity “Is the father Latino? No? He looks like he has Latin in him.” Or the insistence that my kids aren’t mine when I’m out with anyone who isn’t white “Those are your kids?” followed by “Are you sure they aren’t hers?” It gets old and at some point in the not too distant future, my kids will be fielding these questions on their own.


If you see a family that falls outside of your experience or expectations – a family that doesn’t fit into a neat little box - keep your questions to yourself. If we want you to know about us, we’ll tell you. The other day, I asked my five year old son what makes a family. His answer was simply love. That is all you need to know.

21 comments:

  1. This is powerful and perfectly stated. I'm a huge fan of all things interracial. Thank you for keeping this conversation open. The more mixing the better. I'm going to work on a post soon about the time I protected two black children from a Neo-Nazi who was crazy angry and getting violent because their mother was white. I think you'll really appreciate that one. I ended the encounter peacefully, but I had help from a person who turned the whole event into a WB Loony Tune. So it has a pretty happy ending.

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  2. Beautiful post, Sarah. People are too nosey for their own good..

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  3. Thanks so much, Jess! That they are. People need to learn to mind there business!

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  4. Wow, Byron. Thank you! You're right, I would like to read that!

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  5. Hearts Sarah! And solidarity. I could go on and on and on but I won't! Suffice to say that I've heard it all and then some.

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  6. Thanks, Harriet. We have talked about this at length! I will never understand why people feel the need to say anything at all.

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  7. I do find as my son gets older, we get fewer questions, which is interesting. It's like they are thinking ... hmmm ... he can hear us. The other amusing thing I've noticed is because he gets comments on his hair on ALL THE TIME, NON-STOP, he has a tendency to compliment everyone on their hair (!!)

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  8. He's awesome! Speaking of hair, the other day, I got "her hair is bigger than any other part of her!"

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  9. Cool! I'll try to get it done this week, but I may not. It's one of my favourite true stories, so I want to do it right.

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  10. My favorite hashtag that I used on this one was #noneofyourbusiness

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  11. This story always makes me think of that Fresh Prince clip when Will teaches Ashley how to fight. HA!

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  12. Great post, Sarah! As you are well aware, being a trans-racial adoptive mother has many similar questions. My wish? That society will one day move past the need to appearance-match children to their parents on any level. Posts like this help keep the education flowing - thank you.

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  13. I really appreciate you saying that! I hope someone, somewhere can get a little perspective after reading this.

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  14. This is why 5 year olds rule. They know what's really important. We should all take lessons from them!

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  15. I actually vehemently disagree with the message you're sending in this post. "I’m sure her intentions were not malicious, but that doesn't change anything."

    I think intent makes all the difference in the world. She wasn't a neo-Nazi judging you or wishing you were gone, nor was she trying to hurt you. By sending the message of 'mind your own business, leave us alone" you're effectively saying to people that you want them to segregate themselves. You missed an opportunity to let this woman know that her words and actions were hurtful. How is this woman ever expected to learn that in today's day and age, multi-racial families are perfectly common and part of the community? There is a huge difference between sending the message of "stay away" and "open your eyes."


    Although not entirely analogous, I get a lot of extremely insensitive and ignorant comments about my Muslim heritage and whatnot. When I hear them, I first try to determine if there is malice, and if not, I try to educate. So the next time that person comes across a Muslim, he wont' be so offensive, and perhaps see the other as a human being, neighbor, and potential friend. If I made that person feel bad or made it clear that I'd rather him mind his own business, I'd probably underscore his initial bias, which is only a short hop to hatred.

    The next time she comes across a multi-racial child or family, perhaps she'll ignore them completely and think, "let them live in their own separate world, I'm not welcome in theirs nor they in mine." I wish that woman would rather think, "oh what a beautiful family, I'm glad they are my neighbors who I know."

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  16. I never said I wanted people to segregate themselves from us, nor did I say I wanted them to leave us alone. I said I wanted them to keep their questions about how we became a family to themselves - those questions that are laced with assumptions and presumptions and entitlement. Wanna get to know me? I'm open. Wanna learn about my family? Get to know me and us and it will become clear. The first thing to say when encountered with a family that you are curious about should never be "how did that happen?!" There are ways to learn that involve tact and compassion and genuine interest.

    As for intention? It doesn't change impact. Well-meaning people can say stupid, hurtful, and horrible things. You don't have to be a neo-nazi to hurl micro-aggressions at my kids. They receive them and have to process them, no matter how it is intended. Period. That is why people have to think before they say something stupid - especially in front of a child. A lot can be learned by shedding a few assumptions and taking it upon oneself to sit back and watch, listen, and learn.

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  17. I also don't think it's fair for every interracial family to be expected to act as martyrs for every ignorant ass who can't think before they speak. Kids should have the chance to experience innocence, and not be drawn into implied social stigmas. "There are ways to learn that involve tact and compassion and genuine interest." And also, not every conversation is timely, or contextually appropriate.

    Such an interest or concern as why a child has a different skin color than a parent (whatever the context) can be approached in an honestly curious way which isn't inherently harmful. I say 'inherently' here because I believe the social stance she's coming from when she asks the question is a stance which suggests a multi-racial relationship requires justification. Such a perspective is harmful to global unity. Our families do not require justification. So while I want her to be able to have this conversation too, I also think there is a lot of thinking and reasoning she could be doing on her own, without just puking her social expectations all over some kid who's just trying to exist happily.

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What do you think? Feel free to agree or disagree, but hateful comments will be deleted.