Sunday, April 15, 2012

10 Reasons Why My Period Can Go Fuck Itself

I have my period right now, and I hate it. I've hated it since the moment I first got it at 12 years-old. I'm still in denial about it. Every time it ends, I feel like it's the last time I'll ever see it again. But yet, like an unwelcome ex-boyfriend, it keeps making a regular appearance every month for the past 20 years, minus the two years I was pregnant where it was absent,
thank G-d!

Without further ado, I bring you 10 reasons why my period can go fuck itself.

10. Going anywhere or doing anything seems impossible.

9. I can't zip my jeans.

8. No matter what I do, I have stains on my underwear and potentially my pants, so it looks like I pooped on myself.

7. I look pregnant even though I'm clearly not, hello! I have my period!

6. Whenever anyone says anything to me I want to tell them to fuck off and die.



5. Period products are bullshit. Maxi pads feel like adult diapers, tampons are uncomfortable and leak, and I end up losing the reusable products in the chaos that is my apartment.
I have my period, where the hell is that thing that I paid 20 dollars for that is supposed to save me money?

4. I want to sleep all day, but I can't!

3. I want to eat everything all the time, and I do! Then I feel like a hot air balloon.

2. I can't have sex, which (as we all know) solves most problems in life.

And the number one reason that I hate my period is...

1. It makes me feel totally and utterly insane.

This has been a public service announcement from your mom.

8 comments:

  1. HAHA WOW! I'm about to get mine any minute. Mine freaking SUCK but birth control pills make them more manageable. At the same time, hormonal pills are not my favorite. I prefer them over the hell which is my regular period, however (10+ days, heavy as fuck). One bonus - and I mean, the ONLY bonus - to having my period is I don't have to pray, which admittedly is sometimes burdensome on me and requires me to get up way too early in the morning. I also don't have to have sex, which unlike you (lol), I find to be loathsome these days. Periods are a wonderful excuse! I hope you can find your reusable products. The Diva Cup helps me keep my sanity.

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  2. I completely agree. Guys have no idea how much that time of month fucks your world. Take this morning for example. I almost murdered an old man in the CVS parking lot. He spotted me in the checkout line with a jumbo box of tampons and then nudge his friend and was like "we better stay out of her way." uhm, yeah you should. Especially after saying some dumb stuff like that. It took every ounce of my being to not plow into him with my car. F$&@ you period!!!

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  3. ITA! I hate tampons but have to use them at least for the first 3 days. Blah I the whole thing!

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  4. What's preventing you from engaging in point no. 2? Is it "can't" or "won't"?

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  5. Hahahaha!
    Such a pain in the arse...I actually schedule vacations around it...

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  6. LOL!! OMG!! Love it! (your brutal honesty not your period. ahhh!)

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